I’m going to let y’all in on a lil secret
I called myself being adventurous this weekend
AND a couple of weekends before annnnnnd…..
I got my feelings hurt 😭✨
y’all date outside y’all race or nah???
I met think extremely NICE white guy
Peep I didn’t say cute lol
And we started taking our dogs for walks and whatnot
Explored all the trails in the Wissahickon
Smoked a lot of bud so I was like ayeeeee yassss we can get fried together no problem yassss
He drank off my water bottle one time (I was a lil thrown off)
We did share a blunt so I figured maybe that’s why he was real comfortable
Anyway, he told me he taught at a local school
(environmental sciences, lectures on
I started applauding myself on my versatility in men
Like yasssss Maya you are diverse you’re not particular at all
Finally a guy who is lecturing on sustainability and not spending hundreds of dollars at the strip club
I never dated outside of my race before but for my first time I wasn’t too mad
That was until… he started showing me affection
I’m so mean y’all
I kissed him a couple of time but nah I wasn’t feeling it too much
So like a week later we went out for sushi it was such a great date
but after he wanted me to go back to his house and I declined…
I could tell by the look on his face he was disappointed but I didn’t care in fact I ended up feeling some type of way that after a few walks and a sushi date he thought I would want to go back to his place for “more drinks and a smoke session”
Anyway anyway I just asked for a rain check on the session and asked him to take me home
so he pulls up to my apartment to drop me off and I saw him coming in for a kiss it was the most awkward thing ever…
He had food all stuck in his beard and it was just not a good look
So I kinda gave him my cheek to kiss and gave him a big hug and his reply was “oh I only get to kiss you on your cheek I want your lips”
I just stared at his sloppy beard turned off and it was just making the situation more awkward that he asked idkkk….
So I just told him I would call him later and I got out of his car and he immediately peeled off
Like ok you’re mad omg I was ctfu
until I realized I didn’t have my keys
So while I’m dumping my bag out on my front porch not believing how salty I was, he calls me…
He literally said “I felt like a little boy asking you for a kiss like I’m peterpan or something why didn’t you want to kiss me?”
I didn’t know the situation could get any more awkward…
I just replied and said “you know I’m still looking for my keys I’m not even in my house yet so I need to call you back”
But he would’ve known that if he hadn’t peeled off all mad but anyway
I found my keys and went in my house and not five seconds later I was greeted by this
Why the fuck did I tell him I like poetry
So I realized that obviously I’m not naturally affectionate toward him and although I was extremely curious I just wasn’t readyyyy and the fact he kept pointing it out was making me feel even more awkward
So I just figured I’d fall back a bit I didn’t want him to think I was leading him on and I did like him but maybe as friends and I thought maybe affection would come in time…
It gets better…
Y’all I thought I was being mean…I thought this nice guy deserves another chance
all he wants to do is shower me with affection and he’s so nice so what am I running from?
I thought I was being “that girl” the one who complains about wanting a nice guy than when she gets one she doesn’t know how to treat them blah blah blah..
So I said fuck it I’ll go out with him again and if he does the touchy-feely kissy kissy too much I’ll just
#speakup and say something and we’ll see where it goes from there…
So we walk our dogs on the trails and smoke (and I thought ok I’m in the middle of the woods with this man I better act right he out of no where stops and goes in to kiss me on my neck
Not awkward at alllllll right? I cringed and stopped him immediately
like this isn’t even the time or place like wtf it’s bugs everywhere I’m getting bit up Brownie has run off somewhere where is my puppy?
So he asked me “where is this going?” “You and me?”
Do y’all think I stayed in the woods and answered him truthfully or got out of there first?”
My crazy ass let it rip I told him that the aggressive affection was not for me…and why he expected me to make out with him every time I saw him (only knowing him a couple of weeks)
He told me how attracted he was to me and how beautiful I was so it was hard not to be aggressive
I told him I was flattered but it’s just too much especially since I don’t know him like that
I admit I might have been lying a bit bc when you like someone and you’re attracted the timeline doesn’t really matter lol
but since he’s a white man it’s all so new and I needed to take baby steps OK judge if you want but I kinda liked the newness of what we had and I just didn’t want to ruin it with all of that extra shut that’s the honest truth
So after a brief silence he asked if I was celibate or ever going to show him any type of affection
(Yikessss) bc if I wasn’t celibate then there would be no excuse for not wanting him to feel all up on me and kiss my neck and slobber on me in the woods right?
I told him I was but that was besides the point…and that it wasn’t that I didn’t like him it was just new to me.
He said ok and I felt immediately bad like maybe I was being too harsh but fuck that I’m a woman and I get to choose what and when I do things right?
I made it my mission to go on another date just to seeeeeeeee if I was trippin
So after he dropped me off we said an awkward goodbye, he kissed me on the cheek, and keys in hand, I headed toward my front door.
He calls after me and get ready for this, he runs up to give me some lavender, peppers, tomatoes and other things from his garden that he had picked for me earlier but just forgot to give to me
So I graciously accepted (even tho I still had my mind made up I was going on another date bc I still needed to see sumthn)
I changed clothes and headed out on my next date…
My other friend (black guy) picked me up we smoke and talked and had a grand time.
I asked him if he’s dated outside his race, if he was curious, would he do it again, was she affectionate, did he like it, all the questions I should’ve never asked him ctfu
He admitted he had out of curiosity but it just wasn’t his forte but his younger sister was ONLY into white guys
He explained that she was living in a fantasy world and only wanted relationships she saw on tv () that was only his opinion so I disregarded but one thing that stuck was the fact he admitted the white girl showed him another side to dating
That was true for me as well, and I had confirmed that some times people date outside of their race for different reasons (and I wasn’t alone)
I liked his thoughtfulness, his compliments, the fact that he lit up when he saw me, picked things from his garden for me, would run to his car so I wouldn’t dare touch the door…
he was vegan, he was all earthy, he’d traveled the world (current goal of mine). He’s experienced so much that I had only dreamed of and that was attractive idk it was all new and I liked him for that
BUT him touching me and saying things like “oooooh what are you doing to me” turned me off so much
So anyway, I was talking to guy #2 enjoying my second date that turned more or a friendly pow wow and I sort of came to the conclusion that I wasn’t dating either just looking to fulfill a male friendship role in my life
So remember when I said I got my feelings hurt?
As I was leaving guy number two he says “oh yeah I saw you a couple of weeks ago” and I go “oh yeah where” he was like “mad mex”
I said “oh yeah why didn’t you say anything?” then he goes on to tell me that wasn’t the first time he goes on to tell me how he’d seen me with some white guy in the park a few times too but figured he’d mind his business
Then THEN he goes on to ask me if I used to have red hair…fuck yes but everyone knows that bc my hair was red for most of last year
I’m rapping this up y’all..PROMISE lol
So moral of the story is I was annoyed with two different guys for two totally different reasons but it was so similar I could’ve gagged
On the one hand I have a white guy who is too affectionate, sort of stalker-ish but I was so into him because of the unknown, my curiosity led me to him but my fear of intimacy fucked everything up
On the other hand I had a black guy that I had been dating on and off (completely stalker-ish) but I wouldn’t have know unless I pulled it out of him…attracted to him bc of all physical (no unknown aspects)
So yeahhhhh my feelings hurt bc I realized while I was trying to see something (the something being my comfort level in dating black guys vs white guys) I realized I just have a pattern in men and it has nothing to do with race
I’m looking for something that neither guy could give me something I can only give myself
I just want someone I’m physically AND mentally attracted to but I just make up so many excuses so I’ll never find that person…
My feelings are hurt bc I realize I push people away all of the time and run after other people who do the same thing to me….
I realized I’m someone’s Anders I’m someone’s curiousity, someone’s favorite person living in the friend zone too and…
I’m actually giving out a few free copies so RT this thread if you’re really interested and I’ll DM you