Posts tagged “an ode

5115 Wissahickon Ave.

Times like this my mom would say the devil is busy..

I think he has too much time on his hands

He’s taking a break while I’m filling my head

with silly things that aren’t true

In the back of my mind and in the front of my mind is you

You, telling me, reminding me of our sacred ritual

I’m head over heels, heels over heads

always indulging in a mess, stuck, never moving all the way through

Loving the lust, the lies

Comforting hellos, harsh goodbyes,

you know I love me… some you

But you, and I, this back and forth, aint nothing new

In time itll all be gone, the ending of a song, but just wait for part 2

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5115 Wissahickon Avenue

“Does Mr. Eric spend the night with your mom often? Is he living in the house with you?”

At the time I didn’t know that my mom’s best friend was questioning me only to stab her in the back. After all, I was only seven…who uses a child as a vehicle for evil and gossip?

When my mom went to work the next morning, her best friend, Mrs. Miami, handed her a copy of an email she drafted to the Philadelphia school district asking for her immediate removal as Principal from Bethune elementary.

The email contained personal information (information she squeezed from a 7 year old) about my mom’s relationship with an accused rapist.

I was only a child so of course I didn’t know what was going on.

I carried the burden of my mom losing her job which left us homeless for 4 years.

I carried that burden all by myself until I was old enough to realize that it was all bullshit and I forgave myself I told myself that I was only a child and I didn’t know what I was saying.

I didn’t know she was pressing me because she was jealous of my mom and her relationship.

I didn’t know at the time that Mr. Eric’s daughter, Rachelle, moved from Haiti to live with him and he was touching her.

I don’t know if everything was happening for a reason or if I was the worst erson in the world.

Mrs. Miami setting my mom up saved us in the long run.

Maybe if her business wasn’t put on blast, we wouldn’t have found out about his past, and his present.

Maybe my mom would’ve gotten married to the rapist.

But at the time all I know is that my mom lost her job and we didn’t have a place to live and it was all my fault.

“Why would you tell her those things?”

What did I tell?

I was only being honest.

The real question was…why is your friend questioning me about your panties?

It’s crazy how things work.

Devils are tricky.

They come to you sincere, as a friend, trusting, promissing, really beautiful lies…

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America is like holding onto (but knowing you’ll never again fit into) your favorite pair of jeans

This side of the world is actually as bad as it seems

Hate is running rampant throughout America

we’re bursting at the seams

America is holding onto but knowing you’ll never again fit into your favorite pair of jeans

Life is only valued if you were born with specific set of genes

People switched teams

sold out

put their soul on the line

Our idols didn’t become rivals, but monsters, I cant even enjoy Mike’s “remember the time”

The world ended and it didn’t go out with a flashy show

but when the first murder video went viral, and only made SOME people uncomfortable

People argue over if a child’s life is worth a cigarilllo

In my own little corner, in my own uncomfy chair I can’t be all that I can be

Yeah, some people may be living what they think is the America dream

But how can any one be a millionaire or billionaire when Flint’s water still isn’t clean

In my own little corner, in my own uncomfy chair I can’t be all that I can be

I refuse to be a copy, a robot, a sheep with a slave mentality

I’ll be someone important to me, that’s better than striving to be like any celebrity

a woman who’s able to love herself, and love another just like me

I mean, sure, ice caps are melting all around me, and larger grows the sea but maybe one day I’ll finally lead the change I want to see

So when I yell out “momma I made it, turn on your big screen”

It’ll be a hundred thousand people taking a stand, creating peace, passing out prosperity

My prodigy, my mini-mes

The country is really that bad right now

open your eyes

the government is currently shutdown but are you surprised?

Its pretty sad people or working for free

All in the the name of getting funding to build a wall

Sounds a lot like slavery

Look around

Whew chile, the injustice

and from the mouths of rich there isn’t a sound

TSA workers are letting guns past security to planes leaving the ground

Gladys Knight is about to perform the national anthem and let us all down

Things are as scary as they look, If no one else is going to say it I will

Im tapping out the morse code, we need help and this is not a drill

Shout out to the bunker builders from 1999 can I get some of your blueprints before we’re finally out of time

 

(this poem was written by me some time in January 2019)

Black & Owning It: A networking event for small business owners & entrepreneurs in Philadelphia (3.16.18) #youngloudproud

This past weekend I had an opportunity to attend & be a vendor at the “Black & Owning It” event in Philly (my hometown) and it was amazing!!

Allyse Pierce, a friend from elementary school, told me that she was putting together an event where young Black entrepreneurs would get together and showcase their talents.

A lot of vendors from the Tri-State area got together at the Majestic Ballroom (800 W Olney ave) and collectively  put on an awesome event. There was plenty of networking,  great music & food, spoken word, motivational speaking & encouragement…just an all around amazing event!

Check out a few highlights below:

Mystiky Maquillage beauty products & “An Ode to the “Good Girl””

 

 

 

After I was extended this invitation (a few months ago) I was a little nervous/insecure and questioned if I really had anything special to offer.

I considered backing out of the event (thinking that maybe I wouldn’t be too successful) but I am so glad I put my fears aside and went for it!

Sometimes WE are solely responsible for OUR OWN downfalls, missed opportunities and lack of success. I just read a quote from Kimora Lee Simmons: “if you’re shy, get the hell over it, you’re slamming the door in your own face” and this is 100% true!

I’m speaking from experience when I implore you to do everything you’re terrified to do!

If your dreams scare you, you’re on the right track! And like Colin Kaepernick says in the Nike ad says: “don’t ask if your dreams are crazy, ask if they’re crazy enough”!!

Thank you so much for the opportunity!!

I was encouraged and I am so motivated to keep pushing forward.

Follow Mystiky Maquillage on IG @mystikymaquillage

 

Queen of Spies

A poem inspired by: “I Know an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly” & “Harriet the Spy”

RIP to the queen of spies (the one who told the truest lies)


Most beautiful when she didn’t have her cigarette, Maya, was the kindest person I ever met!

The Queen who spied was the same when the sun rose and when the sun set; not a liar at all if I had to make a bet


Don’t know for sure if everything I heard is fact or just a story


I wish I were lie detector… Where the hell is Maury?

I’ll tell you what happened to the Notorious Q.O.S (Queen of Spies) and try my best to explain this mess


I’ll tell you all about the day she died, it might make you cry or her demise might go over your head, it might just pass you by…


…if you let it.


Some say, on the third day, when God said “Let there be light” Maya was there, looking over God’s shoulder


From the vast seas, to grassy plains, to huge mountain boulders

She was there, and writing too, saw colors that filled the sky before the creator decided on blue

There she was writing all about God’s creations, witnessed the formation of every nation, before everyone became anyone this someone came and this someone knew


Maya was there to see the world sparkle, she got the first look, describing all of the world’s glory in her little book; how didn’t she run out of pages trying to describe how lit everything looked?

I wish she could tell me about the sun, and how she sat and watched the huge burning star grow; I want to hear all about the huge celebration she helped the angels throw


Alas, the world’s oldest notebook(s), which is how it all started; so many pages filled with words, sweet, yet tarted


They say Maya-ette, with her cigarette, wrote a story and made Jesus weep; wrote into the souls of men and with the flick of her pen she could change reality…

She knew why the caged bird sang, why children were really afraid of clowns, visited the black utopia, witnessed the Queen of England crack a smile, heard she greeted the Pope at the Vatican with a “My Nigga,” and laughed as he frowned…


Dubbed a “liar,” she wanted to hide the book deep inside her


Protecting her secrets all while keeping a level head

She could have shared her knowledge but decided to consume it all instead


I believe she recorded the truth, some say it was all lies, but now we’ll never know who really shot Malcolm, Martin, Kennedy, who ran down the Princess…or if Tupac is dead or alive


All because Maya decided to fill up her tummy; she ate all her secrets like they were yummy


Page by page she tore up the notebook and ate it away

I hate to spread rumors and gossip but this was a crazy day


I’ll never forget how the neighborhood just stood by and watched as Maya faded away…


Maya-ette, with her cigarette, the only living being knowing the world’s biggest secret


To the end of the earth she traveled and then she went way beneath it…


What she wrote throughout her journey she never told a soul and finally the secrecy had taken its toll

I think she went crazy, you see, so much of the world’s mystery, all bottled up she could no longer contain them


I’ll tell you about the day that came, the rainy day full of shame, the day she decided to die than to rise to fame


A sad day when she devoured all her power, like a cake made with real sugar and real flour


Delicious, private, secret words, curry, jerked, and filled with lemon curds


But no matter how people spin it, it was her own private notebook (no matter what was assumed to be in it)

First, just let me say, RIP to the queen of spies!


Here’s how she met her demise:

The Queen of spies, now permanently living in the skies, kept a notebook to write what she felt inside and who and what she encountered when she traveled through time

She recorded the first bigfoot sighting, was the only person to touch lightning, was friends with the last living giants, she knew why the men and women who went to war would come back and be sworn to silence, she was present for the signing of the Magna Carter, she traveled throughout the galaxy, some say she visited the “farther”

Words cold as ice, her spying came with a price, pages burning like fire, she would go down in history and the world’s most honest liar

I don’t really know how she felt inside, if she wrote the truth or if it was only lies, whether she was only 23 or really 2099 all I remember is how died.

Now, I’m sad to say, there’s no one to attest if there’s really a hell or if heaven is a lifetime away, who was behind 911 or if global warming is only a hoax, and why babies are the only ones who can see ghosts…

No one really talked to the girl who ate the “lies” all we know is how well she spied, so let me tell you how she died:

Her neighbors who thought she was a living lie, got together and made a shoe fly pie, made of real shoes and real flies (hardly any real pie) and presented the terrible dessert to the Queen of spies, all while trying to steal away her “book of lies”

In one gulp she finished the pie, she licked her lips and said goodbye, you would think that was all it took, but she held onto that notebook, and left her gifters shook

Holding tight onto her notebook, day by day, if the tales of monsters and demons inside it were real, I couldn’t say, all I know is that she was a creature of habit

People-watching and writing was all she ever did, and she was a pro at keeping it all hid

Never shared how the interviews went with all the children torn from their families at the border, never mentioned the mental conditions of the lifers in prison growing older, people living their lives in their cages, so much heartbreak must’ve filled her pages

You know, she never took the credit when she convinced congressmen to raise minimum wages

Some say she saw the inside of the first bible’s pages, was there when it was written, visited the earth’s core, and touched the bottom of the deepest ocean’s floor

I heard she met the president’s president (the secret societies society), made friends aliens even married twin dwarves, read the minds of all great historians, visited the moon and finds time to comfort all of the mothers’ who’s babies are “gone too soon,”

You could tell there was something that pulled and tugged and pulled and tugged, and pulled and tugged at her

Although few really tried to, no one could ever figure out what was the matter

Always looking like she fell to the bottom of a pit, she kept a facial expression that looked like she seen some shit

The more the chatter, the more people wonder what was the matter, the more she grew nervous about what people would find

She was ridiculed, called names, but if she really knew what was being said I don’t think she’d mind…

After all, you can’t really offend someone who saw how the world would end…or the one who figured out how to make reality bend

Maya was more concerned about her writing, her truth, her stories, the one thing she had that no one could take away

Here’s how she tried to hide the spying, here’s what led to her dying, here’s why people thought her stories were only her lying, here’s to what happened that day:

 I think she knew that day would come, the day when her own people would revolt against her, not the government that controlled their lives, but a little lady deemed an enemy of the state, a state of mind, a witch of a spy who had devoured a poison pie

I heard it was all a fantasy world she created while she spied, mixed with stories of monsters and demons and spirits that dwelled inside…

They say she wrote stories to heal the pain

The pain that came each time it rained

It rained because she was so sad inside

Was what she wrote the truth or lies?

I know it was the truth, she dedicated her life to traveling and crossed many tides

RIP to the queen of Spies

So, finally, here’s exactly how she died:

She was poisoned by the shoe fly pie (the one her neighbors made filled with real shoes and real flies and hardly any pie)

Then she decided to continue eating her notebook like it was cake

I saw her swallowed down her lucky pen the one used to write about heaven and the world’s end


Then a spare, without a care, she swallowed what some say was the pen she used to record a formula to create air

It isn’t fair how quickly she ate her contact lenses and glasses, no one would ever be able to look through what she saw not even if they bought the same lashes

She swallowed down the lenses to her camera, contacts too! Oh and her glasses and her eye lashes, pens and her notebook, you would think that was all it took even after eating the shoe fly pie (the one made with real shoes and real flies) but she continued on until her last breath until she died

RIP to the QOS (Queen of Spies)!


Next, she ate her favorite pets and washed them down with her cigarette, keep reading this, I’m not done yet; I can still hear Brownie barking in her stomach, a puppy, a guppy, a snake and it’s charmer

she swallowed her lighter, and her belly grew warmer…you could see the flicker of the flame burning and shining bright from deep inside her

Then, all of a sudden, there was a huge fire, the pages she ate reacted to the lighter, that was ignited by the cigarette, I’m not done yet, the pets got sick off of the uneaten shoe fly pies that stuck to her insides, as the cigarette burned and her pets’ stomach turned Maya turned blue

The flicker of the flame grew larger the one that burned and shined bright from deep inside her…


Out from her mouth was the loudest belch with a bunch of smoke so to contain the flames she swallowed some tea (more pages from her notebook), the secrets of a brewing WWIII, the future, and more unwritten history

She swallowed a first aid kit, some antibiotics, some anti flea and tick tablets her pets; a heroic meal for her sidekicks

She ate up an umbrella for that dreary hazy day god forbid if any moisture got in her way

Call her crazy, or just remember her like that girl lazy Jane, the one would wanted a drink of water but would wait for the days it rained


Maya thought she needed a raincoat, to go with her umbrella so she swallowed that in just one gulp, she swallowed the coat to protect the “GOAT” (a spare notebook) which should’ve been all it took but she kept on eating; all while her neighbors trembled and shook…


Pages from her notebook, pens, a spare, a formula for creating air, a rain coat, an umbrella to protect the GOAT, delicious tea, secrets of a brewing WWIII, consumed and you would think this was all it took but she continued on devouring anything anyone could use to read between the lines of history books

She continued to eat everything she thought would protect her, she consumed all the things she could quickly gather and the flames from the fire grew bigger and brighter…


Throughout the grape vine, they say, she swallowed boots, that were laced, with a drug that would make her pace, that would help her digest so she could continue her race

Pressed for time she swallowed mace (just in case), what a taste, she felt herself slipping away you could tell it was written on her face

Oh dear, down went some pretty underwear, momma always said to keep a spare pair

She swallowed her savings; dollar bills and piggy bank cents, bargaining chips for the afterlife and some common incense


Where she was going next, was a world full of more nightmares than dreams…giving meaning to the phrase nothing is what it seems


They say she consumed her entire room (and in it was a special broom, she would occasionally take flight at night but no one ever caught that site), a listening piece (the one she used to spy on her niece) and she ate it all down to the wire, to secure all the juiciness and details deep inside her.

Next up a recorder that hooked up to the listening piece, her favorite laptop that stored all the chatter, that tumbled and tumbled you’d asked what’s the matter?

By this time everyone had gathered around, to see the Queen who her spied on her hometown…


They watched, then laughed as she went and swallowed her own Fingerprints, we know because she was the only one who wore henna on her fingertips


By this time everyone had pulled up, all the cars from the neighborhood, some with the darkest of window tints


Watching as Maya-ette kept going, I’m sad to drag on, but she swallowed a DNA kit/she thought that idea was lit, Promised that was it, but she was still in a pit, of nervousness, so let me continue on…


She thought her passport would keep her out of court so she went and swallowed that and her fake ID, so no one could prove her true identity


So she then ate her real license, I know you’re in suspense, so let me attempt to make this make sense


She swallowed her passport and everything else I guess to keep from going to court

Maya-ette the spy decided that wasn’t enough, she wasn’t too stuffed she huffed and the smoke puffed, after she devoured her Flash drive to really save the data you would think she was finally done.

Everyone had finally won, she sat down weighing a ton, big as a house in the middle of her street not making a peep

Quiet as a mouse she closed her eyes for a really long sleep away one by one did all the neighbors creep

It was a sad sight looking at the many pounds sitting on the ground frowns stayed upside down

Hardly anyone was looking but I saw her get very tense and with the last bit of her strength, Shoved down her throat her newest iPhone, no more social media, she was finally all alone, but not on her own on her own

She swallowed her bike she used to ride to her car

She swallowed her car but down her throat it didnt get too far


It got stuck but she kept trying and eventually it slid down with the help of some muck


Then she swallowed a gun to protect her Bike, the one she promised to return to Mike


She swallowed a Gun and that made her dizzy/ she spun, she quickly changed her name to Lizzy, still protecting her secrets til the very moment she was done


All in the effort to protect her “lies” this is how she met her demise.


Here I am, her protégé, reporting on how she died that day.


Short story made long, meaning for it to be a long story short.


I went to her grave and dug up everything and began to sort, through all the things she swallowed, through every piece of precious junk


RIP Maya-ette, I’ll miss you and your cigarette, you are gone but your mission lives on.


I’d like to reintroduce myself.

Hi, I’m the new Queen of spies.

 

 

Today was a “good”day


Today was a “good”day

Woke up and first thing I did was thank God
I’m blessed with a new day; finally, I’m not feeling odd.
Is it me or is the sun is shining brighter

Feeling better, so I put on some eyeliner
Couldn’t forget my Fenty lip gloss (even put on some killawatt highlighter)

I woke up 2 hours earlier than usual

I flossed, I tossed my hair up, and it looks real cute, well, peculiar

I actually made my bed and fluffed up my pillows, now my room is familiar

I tamed my edges, I even put a scarf on to tie them down
While I waited and waited for the edge controller to dry, I turned my frown upside down

I remembered the promise I made: “tomorrow will be a better day”
So with that smile I packed up my lunch, even made me a bottle of lemonade

I said a prayer, I did my hair, I smiled, and made up my bed, I packed some food up for myself, and remembered that every bill is paid
I left out the door for work on time, what a difference from yesterday
I gotta go cause I got my boo waiting and if I’m another second late HE’LL be lemonadin
I remembered my headphones but I had to stop at the curb, before getting in the car, I had to address a funny sound I heard
Looking out my peripheral, I saw a shiny material, moving toward me at the speed of light
It was my neighbor’s dog brownie, with a shiny new bow in her hair, running up to meet and greet me with kisses
Now it’s confirmed everything will be alright
I haven’t felt this loved on any day or night
I got a tweet from Trey, but it was really a fake account
That shit should be illegal, got a girl’s heart all racing, damn near ready to pass out
Got in my love’s car, finally, and called up my girls,
I’m acting as if I just read a blimp saying “the world’s all yours”
After work, I told them, I’m dying to do a happy hour
Get a few drinks in me and I’m in trouble but fuck it I’m up for an Amaretto Sour
Last week I fucked around and had one too many double shots
But here we are now, fast forward the clocks
Sitting on the lap of my bae, no tides, no docks,
Just a little big baby I call my bae

Thinking, yeah, “Today is a good day”

He drove me right up to the front door of my job
I got to slob on his knob
Cause just yesterday I hated his guts
I’m making up for my bitchy attitude, I know I drive him nuts
Saw the security, peeking out the window at me
I’m just nervous I know the car has a sorta tint
No flexin, didn’t even look in the nosey nigga’s direction
Not giving out any hints
Went inside and everyone was tuned into BET, catching up on ratchet TV

Nothing really to do ,I guess, not a day full of stress, I’m here on time and looking my best, about an hour later my boss said…

I’m off early

the end of the day

go home and take a rest

Today was a good day

(A poem inspired by Ice Cube–“It was a good day”)

Open wound

Open wound

Did you hear? There’s an open wound for sale

A pretty pinkish reddish tomb deep of a wound for sale

A freshly picked scab of a wound; red as a rose newly bloomed for sale

Filled with a precious history, located in a place of mystery, glistening ready for a new owner for new tales kind of wound for sale

A pus-sy, cussy, almost crusty, wound with character for rent

I’ll lend it to you and collect every red cent

A constant reminder of a careless mistake, an oops of sorts, a chance to remember that healing is possible kind of mark that will help others similar relate

A sore, battle wound, a permanent marker

Something I couldn’t really give away for free even if the skin was darker

I have this wound that I would like to donate, I can’t seem to find any takers

I’ve even advertised my precious wound in Sunday’s paper

I guess no one is brave enough to take this wound off of my hands, who am I kidding I put it there in the first place

Why purchase a wound from someone who you can’t even trust to run a full course race

Someone who has never learned the lessons from the wounds, only make them bigger, well, cheaper?

I don’t know the answer but when you find it out let me know, then I’ll know you’re a real keeper

A girl who’s finally free #ForeverHoldYourPiece

Nina Simone said no fear is freedom.

I’m a girl who’s finally feeling free.

I met a fearless God the night when I stared at the sea and saw the stars align with the moon

The moon shined brighter than I had ever seen and sitting on the top of the moon was me.

A little brown girl was smiling big and bright right back at me.

I asked her about life and death-her preference of life or death.

I don’t want to die I told her. I want to be forever young, young forever, loved forever.

I know God is real when I got an answer.

I flew through the heavens and thought for the very first time I was worth more than I thought I was.

Maybe nothing means everything and life is just practice for something else.

Preparation for everything to come, but what if nothing happens?

But she told me death is only a moment of darkness; then it’s all light.

An excerpt from “An Ode to the ‘Good Girl’” available in paperback or kindle (e-book)

Li·bran Hollow-Cost

People tell me I got a light about me but I dwell too much on things

Wasting time wasting time on remembering memories of wasted things

I look up and stare at the moon at night, the sight of her comforts me

We have an understanding that no matter what, at the end of the night Ill count out loud my blessings

Look at me, your Libran Holocaust born in Philly, A1 cheesesteak sauce

My eyes opened, wide, wider than they’d ever been, staring right past you, past the lies, straight down to heaven

Then I look up to the moon, and she’s still there with me, shining and smiling down, what a sight to see!

There I am, I think as I see myself, just a fragment of black girl magic, made from the image of God

Heavenly woman, made so heavenly, when life gets to be getting the best of me, I’ll close my eyes and remember you’re with me

You are me, we’re one, my desire, burning bright like a fire, with my eyes wide open, I gravitate higher, and drop down to heaven, heavenly spun

You’re the one, you won me, mostly heavenly one.

Inspired by Teena Marie/ irons in the fire

How NOT to fangirl (when you really want to) Part II. #YLPtalk

Fan·girl: (of a female fan) behaving in an obsessive or overexcited way.

Gather around Young Loud Proud, this is Part II of How NOT to fangirl (when you really want to). #YLPtalk

This past year I’ve been in a few unbelievable situations where I could’ve fangirl-ed the hell out of a couple of my favorite celebrities and could’ve made some memorable events, but I chose to stay quiet and keep to myself with the overall goal of not acting like a complete fan (even though my insides were exploding). It’s a self-control thing, I’ll tell you all about it, here goes nothing!

How to act like you don’t care that: Mary J Blige, Judy Jamison, Lena Waithe, Naomi Campbell, Naturi Naughton, Fantasia, Beverly Johnson, Queen Latifah, Ciara, Janet Jackson & Phylicia Rashad are all sitting within arms reach when all you want to do is run up to them, give out hugs, pull out your camera, and snap selfies:

I attended the filming of the was the Black Girls Rock 2018 awards show and the only question on my mind was: Do I carpe diem or nah?

BET just aired the 2018 awards show “Black Girls Rock” (on 9/9/18) an annual celebration of Black women while recognizing some of the most prominent pioneers in culture.

I had a brief close-up camera appearance so the excitement of seeing myself on TV a few weeks after the filming, basically prompted this “Part II” (of a new ongoing series on Young Loud Proud about keeping your cool and resisting the urge to fangirl celebrities).

A few weeks ago, my best friend sent me a link to attend a taping of this awards show and since I’ve always dreamed of going, this “win a chance to attend” link was right on the money (just not my money—that was a joke). I figured “sure” anything free is for me; it didn’t matter that it was almost 3 hours away in New Jersey.

So I signed right on up and the following week I was sent a surprise text asking me to confirm my attendance to the “2017 Soul Train Awards.” I rolled my eyes so hard at the confirmation, I was already reluctant to travel for this event, and part of me felt like this was the confirmation of some scam, after all, the title, year, and overall details of the show were so off.

Any who, it was all good because once I arrived, I saw a bunch of elegantly dressed people and signs indicating that I was indeed at the right show. It was a huge relief to see event staff eagerly smiling with their “Black Girls Rock event staff” tee shirts on.

So, then I exhaled. I was signed up for the correct show, traveled to the right location, made it on time, I was super cute in my semi-formal outfit, the last thing to ease my mind was the understanding of my role…while I thought I won exclusive seats what I really signed up for was an opportunity to be a seat filler.

For those of you who don’t really know who or what “seat fillers” are for award shows (if you’re reading this puzzled don’t worry I was too) the name is pretty self-explanatory. I was signing up to fill seats as necessary for the duration of the Black Girls Rock ceremony. I was expected to be shifted around, to make room, and fill in seats as necessary for the models, actors, actresses, and VIPs (et al.).

Once I ingested the duties of a seat filler after being prepped by the event staff, my best friend and I was ushered into a waiting area/auditorium where we waited over 2 hours in the hopes of being needed.

In the agreement, it clearly stated that not everyone would be chosen, so I braced myself for rejection. I don’t know why sometimes I count myself out (I need to stop doing that!!! this is a #YLPtalk for another day).

While waiting in an entirely separate and crowded auditorium, away from the actual event, I have to admit; I was anxious, hungry and ready to leave, but, I AM SO GLAD I STAYED!

I was sitting next to some complainers who figured the long wait was because they ran out of room, or they weren’t going to need us, or the “powers that be” didn’t like our outfits but I’m so glad I’ve mastered the art of tuning people out because they were dead wrong.

Not only did we get seated, but the ushers ended up sitting my best friend and I (together) in the second row! Yes, we were up close and personal, just a few feet from the amazing “Black Girls Rock” stage and we didn’t get shuffled or asked to move NOT ONCE!

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(This was the only picture I was brave enough to snap as we were leaving out!)

Overall, this was the best experience ever; I ended up sitting right behind Naturi Naughton (commonly known as “Tasha” from 50 cent’s show “Power”), and while trying not to fangirl, I began to notice more of THE GREATS and it was completely unbelievable.

I saw the likes of Mary J Blige, Lena Waithe, Naomi Campbell, Fantasia, Beverly Johnson & Phylicia Rashad … it was all so inspirational just to be surrounded by them and to feel their positive energy. In the words of Mary J “Black Girls just Rock, we just do…” I felt the magic all through the room.

My opinion: to fangirl at an elegant awards show entirely uncalled for and is probably the quickest way to get removed. One thing I will confess: I did bring a copy of “An Ode to the “Good Girl” and leave it under Judy Jamison’s chair but whether she got it or security removed it is neither here nor there…that was the extent of me fangirl-ing…

I was so honored to be there, and I respected that this was such a sacred space full of #BlackGirlMagic. I didn’t see a bunch of bodyguards everywhere, you know? Everyone was basically enjoying each other in harmony, and I thought to myself “yeah this is exactly where I should be.”

I declared to myself that next year I’d be up on that stage and not just in the audience and you better believe it! It was like the best motivational rally, therapy session, church service, and most amazing free concert I’ve ever been to all wrapped up into one event.

You have to realize people are in celeb’s faces all day snapping photos, asking for selfies, recording, and it’s entirely annoying for them. At least that’s what I think. Although I had already signed an agreement not to take out my cell phone before going inside, I was so tempted! Especially when my favorite auntie Phylicia Rashad came on the stage!

They showed me twice so I’m just being joe 😭😭 like look ma I’m on TV!

Some of my favorite moments:

Mary J Blige’s acceptance speech (click here on this link to see my cameo LOL)
Fantasia’s tribute to Aretha Franklin
H.E.R’s performance
Lena Waithe’s acceptance speech

Honestly I signed up through the link for the “2017 Soul Train Awards” with my best friend, ended up waiting for almost 3 hours, and then come to find out it was only to be a seat filler. I was so disappointed but I’m glad I held on because it turned out to be one of the best experiences ever.

I never expected to be sitting up front at alllllll…

The Black Girls Rock 2018 awards show was epic; I’m so thankful to have been a part of that celebration on our culture. I was moved by Trana Burke’s (the founder of the #MeToo movement) speech. I was so excited to celebrate, alongside so many pioneers in our culture that I truly admire, ones that I grew up (past generational celebrities) with and am growing up with (current generation). I realize the magic that took place is unique and want to acknowledge that it isn’t often that we (black women) are celebrated or glorified in the media.

We have to mostly fight for our kudos and share the weight of having to overcompensate for ourselves sometimes, so let me just say I don’t know of a better example/way to do that than exclaiming “Black Girl, YOU ROCK!”

Thank you BET for displaying positive images of black women, shouting out those that are otherwise dimmed, or volume turned down by the media, thank you for shouting us out!!!

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Don’t let me discourage you Young Loud Proud people, if you fangirl, do it with pride, go hard or not at all…this is only a mere suggestion of how to get re-invited to the events LOL!

I just wanted to share some of my thoughts and experiences with you because you never know sometimes… I’ve been in certain situations with people whom I really admire, and for the sake of not being a complete fool, I suppress the “shock and awe” methodologies I try and live by… but…what do you guys think? Will being bold always work for your benefit? Sometimes you can put yourself out there, not act shy and grab what you want and it totally works but you have to be careful, or you’ll look thirsty.

Have you had a run in with a celeb or hung out with a crush/someone you admire? Do you disagree with this theory? Please let me know!!! Email me! proudloudyoung@gmail.com

If you’re interested in more personal reflections/rants/stories like these check out the book of poems I recently published: “An Ode to the ‘Good Girl’” available in paperback or kindle (e-book)

I’m going to let y’all in on a lil secret (a Twitter thread turned short story) #YLPtalk

(For the full experience on How to lose a guy in 140 characters or less…click here!)

I’m going to let y’all in on a lil secret

I called myself being adventurous this weekend

AND a couple of weekends before annnnnnd…..

I got my feelings hurt 😭✨

y’all date outside y’all race or nah???

I met think extremely NICE white guy

Peep I didn’t say cute lol

And we started taking our dogs for walks and whatnot

Explored all the trails in the Wissahickon

Smoked a lot of bud so I was like ayeeeee yassss we can get fried together no problem yassss

He drank off my water bottle one time (I was a lil thrown off)

We did share a blunt so I figured maybe that’s why he was real comfortable

Anyway, he told me he taught at a local school

(environmental sciences, lectures on etc.)

I started applauding myself on my versatility in men

Like yasssss Maya 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 you are diverse you’re not particular at all 😭😭

Finally a guy who is lecturing on sustainability and not spending hundreds of dollars at the strip club

I never dated outside of my race before but for my first time I wasn’t too mad

That was until…😭😭😭😭😭😭 he started showing me affection

I’m so mean y’all

I kissed him a couple of time but nah I wasn’t feeling it too much

So like a week later we went out for sushi it was such a great date

but after he wanted me to go back to his house and I declined…

I could tell by the look on his face he was disappointed but I didn’t care in fact I ended up feeling some type of way that after a few walks and a sushi date he thought I would want to go back to his place for “more drinks and a smoke session”

Anyway anyway I just asked for a rain check on the session and asked him to take me home

so he pulls up to my apartment to drop me off and I saw him coming in for a kiss it was the most awkward thing ever…

He had food all stuck in his beard and it was just not a good look

So I kinda gave him my cheek to kiss and gave him a big hug and his reply was “oh I only get to kiss you on your cheek I want your lips”

I just stared at his sloppy beard turned off and it was just making the situation more awkward that he asked idkkk….

So I just told him I would call him later and I got out of his car and he immediately peeled off

Like ok you’re mad omg I was ctfu

until I realized I didn’t have my keys

So while I’m dumping my bag out on my front porch not believing how salty I was, he calls me…

He literally said “I felt like a little boy asking you for a kiss like I’m peterpan or something why didn’t you want to kiss me?”

I didn’t know the situation could get any more awkward…

I just replied and said “you know I’m still looking for my keys I’m not even in my house yet so I need to call you back”

But he would’ve known that if he hadn’t peeled off all mad but anyway

I found my keys and went in my house and not five seconds later I was greeted by this

Why the fuck did I tell him I like poetry 🙄

So I realized that obviously I’m not naturally affectionate toward him and although I was extremely curious I just wasn’t readyyyy and the fact he kept pointing it out was making me feel even more awkward

So I just figured I’d fall back a bit I didn’t want him to think I was leading him on and I did like him but maybe as friends and I thought maybe affection would come in time…

Bruh.

It gets better…

Y’all I thought I was being mean…I thought this nice guy deserves another chance

all he wants to do is shower me with affection and he’s so nice so what am I running from?

I thought I was being “that girl” the one who complains about wanting a nice guy than when she gets one she doesn’t know how to treat them blah blah blah..

So I said fuck it I’ll go out with him again and if he does the touchy-feely kissy kissy too much I’ll just and say something and we’ll see where it goes from there…

So we walk our dogs on the trails and smoke (and I thought ok I’m in the middle of the woods with this man I better act right😭 he out of no where stops and goes in to kiss me on my neck

Not awkward at alllllll right? I cringed and stopped him immediately

like this isn’t even the time or place like wtf it’s bugs everywhere I’m getting bit up Brownie has run off somewhere where is my puppy?

So he asked me “where is this going?” “You and me?”

Do y’all think I stayed in the woods and answered him truthfully or got out of there first?”

My crazy ass let it rip I told him that the aggressive affection was not for me…and why he expected me to make out with him every time I saw him (only knowing him a couple of weeks)

He told me how attracted he was to me and how beautiful I was so it was hard not to be aggressive

I told him I was flattered but it’s just too much especially since I don’t know him like that

I admit I might have been lying a bit bc when you like someone and you’re attracted the timeline doesn’t really matter lol

but since he’s a white man it’s all so new and I needed to take baby steps OK judge if you want but I kinda liked the newness of what we had and I just didn’t want to ruin it with all of that extra shut that’s the honest truth

*shit*

So after a brief silence he asked if I was celibate or ever going to show him any type of affection

(Yikessss) bc if I wasn’t celibate then there would be no excuse for not wanting him to feel all up on me and kiss my neck and slobber on me in the woods right?

I told him I was but that was besides the point…and that it wasn’t that I didn’t like him it was just new to me.

He said ok and I felt immediately bad like maybe I was being too harsh but fuck that I’m a woman and I get to choose what and when I do things right?

I made it my mission to go on another date just to seeeeeeeee if I was trippin

So after he dropped me off we said an awkward goodbye, he kissed me on the cheek, and keys in hand, I headed toward my front door.

He calls after me and get ready for this, he runs up to give me some lavender, peppers, tomatoes and other things from his garden that he had picked for me earlier but just forgot to give to me

So I graciously accepted (even tho I still had my mind made up I was going on another date bc I still needed to see sumthn)

I changed clothes and headed out on my next date…

My other friend (black guy) picked me up we smoke and talked and had a grand time.

I asked him if he’s dated outside his race, if he was curious, would he do it again, was she affectionate, did he like it, all the questions I should’ve never asked him ctfu

He admitted he had out of curiosity but it just wasn’t his forte but his younger sister was ONLY into white guys

He explained that she was living in a fantasy world and only wanted relationships she saw on tv (🙄) that was only his opinion so I disregarded but one thing that stuck was the fact he admitted the white girl showed him another side to dating

That was true for me as well, and I had confirmed that some times people date outside of their race for different reasons (and I wasn’t alone)

I liked his thoughtfulness, his compliments, the fact that he lit up when he saw me, picked things from his garden for me, would run to his car so I wouldn’t dare touch the door…

he was vegan, he was all earthy, he’d traveled the world (current goal of mine). He’s experienced so much that I had only dreamed of and that was attractive idk it was all new and I liked him for that

BUT him touching me and saying things like “oooooh what are you doing to me” turned me off so much

So anyway, I was talking to guy #2 enjoying my second date that turned more or a friendly pow wow and I sort of came to the conclusion that I wasn’t dating either just looking to fulfill a male friendship role in my life

So remember when I said I got my feelings hurt?

As I was leaving guy number two he says “oh yeah I saw you a couple of weeks ago” and I go “oh yeah where” he was like “mad mex”

I said “oh yeah why didn’t you say anything?” then he goes on to tell me that wasn’t the first time he goes on to tell me how he’d seen me with some white guy in the park a few times too but figured he’d mind his business

Then THEN he goes on to ask me if I used to have red hair…fuck yes but everyone knows that bc my hair was red for most of last year

I’m rapping this up y’all..PROMISE lol

So moral of the story is I was annoyed with two different guys for two totally different reasons but it was so similar I could’ve gagged

On the one hand I have a white guy who is too affectionate, sort of stalker-ish but I was so into him because of the unknown, my curiosity led me to him but my fear of intimacy fucked everything up

On the other hand I had a black guy that I had been dating on and off (completely stalker-ish) but I wouldn’t have know unless I pulled it out of him…attracted to him bc of all physical (no unknown aspects)

So yeahhhhh my feelings hurt 😔 bc I realized while I was trying to see something (the something being my comfort level in dating black guys vs white guys) I realized I just have a pattern in men and it has nothing to do with race

I’m looking for something that neither guy could give me something I can only give myself

I just want someone I’m physically AND mentally attracted to but I just make up so many excuses so I’ll never find that person…

My feelings are hurt bc I realize I push people away all of the time and run after other people who do the same thing to me….

I realized I’m someone’s Anders 😂 I’m someone’s curiousity, someone’s favorite person living in the friend zone too and…

If you want to read more about my crazy life/realizations ❤️ check out my new book of poems “An Ode to the Good Girl” #AnOdetoGG Excerpts are on

I’m actually giving out a few free copies so RT this thread if you’re really interested and I’ll DM you 😛😂😭😩✨👀

 

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